Upon Reading John Bevere's Victory in the Wilderness

 ⁸ “But if I go to the east, he is not there;
   if I go to the west, I do not find him.
⁹ When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
   when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. 

- Job 23:8-9

God has brought me into the wilderness. At first, I thought He was punishing me because of my past sins. That was what the devil was trying to inject in my mind. But when I earnestly seek Him, I found out otherwise.

¹ You, God, are my God,
   earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
   my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
   where there is no water. 

 - Psalm 63:1 

I have realized that no matter the situation is, I am in a continuous thirst for Christ. The devil cannot separate me from Him anymore.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? [shall] tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

- Romans 8:35-39

I do not despise this season of my life, for I know that God is with me. I know, His way is sweeter, for when I seek Him and He does not answer, the more I will search for Him with all my heart. I am not worried, I will remain unshaken. I know His promises; I know them full well.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

- Jeremiah 29:11

Today, I may experience thirst, I may experience longing, still I will long for Him more than I have before. He has captured me, and I do not think i would turn away from Him again. I know, He is preparing me, so I may be complete in Christ when I am ready for my eternal mission.

⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

- James 1:4

I know, I must past through this season. I am excited to walk, walk with Him in the wilderness, because after this, I shall come out as gold.

 ¹⁰But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. 

- Job 23:10 

I AM UNWORTHY

One day, I saw myself perfect.

Not sinning.

Not one bit.

No petty sins.

Radiantly shining.

-----

This was why I was hurting so much.

A few years ago, I thought that I could become perfect when I accept Jesus. I thought I could sin no more. But ever since I decided to be devoted to my Saviour, my sinning became worse. I began noticing even the slightest sin I commit. And it frustrated me. 'Cos all I wanted was to become worthy to face Him.

I overlooked the FACT that I will never be worthy to be saved.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God... Romans 3:23 NIV

God's glory. It is a gift to those who are worthy to be saved. It is an essential fact that every Christian must know, EVERYDAY. Because we sin everyday. We make mistakes. And it is important to remember that we do not become worthy because of our good deeds.


For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV

I become worthy not because I do what I do. I become worthy because God has given me His gift ---- Christ. Because when I unite myself with Jesus, His glory illuminates in me and clears away all the sins that blot out my life. When I accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, His Blood washes away my unworthiness.

He has made all things in my life new.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV

So whenever I sin (unintentionally of course!), I do not let the devil condemn me. For I know, God does not see my unworthiness; He sees Christ in me. He sees my contrite and teachable heart. I know that it pleases Him.


The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. psalm 51:17 NIV

And with this truth, I will never be shaken.

Dedication :)

This song probably explains how much I love You.


"For through the Law I died to the Law, that I might live unto God. I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Himself up for me."
(Galatians 2:19-20).

Devoted - Citipointe Live

I'm losing
my whole life
In your purpose and
for your heart's desire
I'm running
with blinded eyes
faith as my guide
let your love take flight

Refrain:
For you, all was put aside
all for you and I
Father it's you I love

Chorus:
I'm devoted to you
sacred love, my truth
I'm devoted to you
all in all I worship you
I worship you my Lord

Bridge:
Precious God
Into your arms
Without blame I come
Your blood has saved us all

Supalpal mode

naalala ko si Joshua Harris. Nung nagkagusto sya sa isang churchmate (bago pa si shannon), at nalaman nyang may iba na pala yung girl. nagkulong sya sa office nya. hindi pa nakuntento, nagkulong sya sa cupboard nya, at dun sya umiyak.

nasaktan sya.

ang sabi nya sa Lord, "Ito ang kalooban mo. naiiyak ako kasi alam kong kahit sa lovelife ko, Ikaw ang may hawak. kaya kalooban Mo talaga na hindi sya ang makasama ko sa buhay ko. salamat, Lord, sa kabutihan Mo."

hay.

nung una, hindi ko to maintindihan. nasaktan na, pero sinabing kalooban parin ni Lord yun. diba hindi naman kalooban ni Lord na masaktan ang tao?

hay.

alam kong hindi. kaya i prayed.

"Lord, show me your ways."

eto ang sagot.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:8-9

hay. supalpal na naman ako.

madalas, may mga plano tayo na akala natin, ok sa Lord. kasi hindi naman masama ang hangarin. kasi wala namang tinapakang tao. kasi hindi naman lumalabag sa Bible. we may have good motives and reasons, but that does not mean it is the will of God already. God said, His ways are higher than ours: we may come clean in His presence, but we can never exceed beyond His grace.

may mahalagang itinuro sa akin ang Lord today. wag akong gumawa ng sarili kong plano, without submitting it first to the Lord. kaya ang lablayp, hay, wag na kasi pagplanuhan. hayaan na si Lord ang magpadala, sa tamang panahon.

salamat, Lord, sa mga pagtatama mo sa buhay ko. as i humble down before Your power, and as i wait on You with hope, take delight in me, my God, my Savior.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23 NIV

Ligaya

How do we define JOY?

Most of the time, I sing, "I have found exceeding joy," but I never realized how (really) much this song means.

During my life without Christ, I have often searched for joy. I have submerged (and immersed, and drowned) myself with shiny things in this world (late-night friendships on sidewalks, alcohol, cigarette butts, too much kissing, etc etc etc etc etc), yet I failed to find joy. I tried experiencing it by belonging to someone, instead, I was left drained, exhausted... empty. My past has been a dreadful experience. I thought there was no way out.

I grew up in a Christian family, the Name El Shaddai has been a household Name. I have known God, Jesus: my Lola's Savior, as well as my father's, and my mother's. God has been with us through thick and thin, and I knew that He is good in our lives.

But personally, I grew up knowing God from a distance. Despite His goodness to my family, I never experienced Him. I go to church, sing His praises, but I never glorified Him in my younger years. I knew His power, I have read groundbreaking Christian books as early as 12 years old, but I never lived in His promise, for I do not know Whom I was serving (or did I really serve Him at that time?).

I was a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad lover, and a bad "Christian." My life was too horrible for me to tell in detail. But what is important is, God made everything work together for my good, because He loved me even before I was born. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)

One day, God decided it was time for me to obey (again). But this time, He made sure that there was no turning back for me...

God knew how many times I gave heed to His call, and how many times I have betrayed His love, because in my eyes, the world was too shiny and too attractive for me to let go. The devil came on to me, stole my future by ruining my present, killed my hope by condemning me everyday (so that I cannot think about God and repent), and destroyed my heart and soul, to the point that I have thought God would not take me again in His arms for the nth time (John 10:10). I have thought my life was too broken for me to still plan for tomorrow. I have lived each day anxious about my broken life, and scared to death about Jesus' second coming, for I knew that I will not be taken away with the clouds to meet up with Him in the air (1 Thessalonians 4:17 NIV).

I was so scared.

I was so empty.

I have consumed my energy on senseless things, things that I thought would give me joy.

When God finally decided to intervene once more, He was more determined. I knew, I was destined to worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:24 NIV). He never intended to let me go.

I repented.

"Lord, I am sorry for being so stubborn. I have known You since time immemorial (yes, I really said this), and still I have been crazy about worldly things. I have rejected Your Word, I have rejected Your Son. I have put You in shame. I have denied my faith. I have consciously chosen to get drunk with rebellion and lust (and beer). Yes, I have lusted on the false brilliance of this world. I wanted fame. I refused to sing for you. I repent. Be my God once more."

So I prayed.

With God's grace, I was restored. Like a pot of clay, He took me, mold me into someone He would be pleased with. He started to use me for His glory. He broke me, and shed dirty pieces of me. Layer after layer, He transformed me, and renewed my mind (Romans 12:2 NIV). And then He healed me. He did not just mend my wounds, He created a new me.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV

Indeed, He has created me anew. Nobody could ever do that to me, not even myself. His lovingkindness has changed my life; His Blood cleansed away all my impurities (1 John 1:7 NIV).

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 NIV

Today, it's still amazing for me to think of how God has changed me, and has chosen me to belong to Him. Despite my grave sins (which destroyed my own life), He still chose to love me. Even though He knew that I would sin and sin some more, He still chose to walk and carry the cross to die for me. He was my complete definition of love (John 15:13 NIV), and He completed me.

Now I don't have to waste time on things that do not really matter. I have found the Answer to my searching. The One who satisfied my desire. And our intimacy just gets sweeter, every single day.

"I have found exceeding joy;
Jesus answered when I call---
His name that has saved me,
True Love that embraced me...

...though I have not seen Him,
I love Him completely."

Salvation came.

Truth came.

Freedom came...



...and then there was JOY.

Love with Wisdom

kung noon lang to, matagal na akong nahibang...

isang gabi, napansin ko sya. at nung mga sumunod na araw, lagi ko na syang nakikita. kung noon lang to, kung ano-ano nang bagay ang sumapi sa isip ko. siguro ubod na ng sidhi ang paghanga ko sa kanya. ganon ako noon. walang kontrol sa damdamin. lahat binubuhusan ng maling pag-asa. lahat ay kumpirmado based on assumptions. buti nalang, ang Lord ay mabiyaya sa karunungan, kapag ikaw ay humingi.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:" Matthew 7:7

nung napapansing kong gabi-gabi ko na sya napapanaginipan, aba'y nanalanangin ako sa Panginoon. sabi ko, "Lord, naglevel-up yata itong damdamin ko. paki-check naman po. alisin mo po ito kung hindi ito galing sa Iyo. ayoko nito kung hindi Ikaw ang nagbigay nito."

inalis naman Niya ang taong ito sa isip ko. hindi nawala, pero kinontrol ito ng Lord.

pagkalipas ng ilang linggo, napapansin ko na ang pagiging visible niya lagi sa perspective ng mga mata ko. aba, nagpapapansin ba ito? hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko alam. muli, isinuko ko ang lahat sa Lord.

"salamat sa wisdom na ibinuhos Mo sa buhay ko. alam kong nasa Kamay mo ang buhay ko, pati ang future ko. i trust in You alone. as for me, i will continue to serve You. let Your will be done."


ilang araw ulit. maraming beses. maraming pagkakataon. dapat nagkausap na kami. pero hindi nangyayari. it's either ayaw PA ni Lord, o ayaw TALAGA Niya. i may not know now, but my God is in control. i am not worrying. i am not anxious. i am not afraid.

i am patiently waiting.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Meekness, temperance: " Galatians 5:22

sabi pa ng mga pastor, kaya hinuli ang 'temperance' o self-control, ay dahil ito ang pinakamahirap magawa ng tao. it's easy to love: we Pinoys love loving other people. peace is a natural desire of an individual. longsuffering or patience: hinubog tayo ng mga Kastila (at siguro'y niloob narin ng Lord) para maging matiisin (yun nga lang, naaabuso tayo). gentleness: mahirap din ito, dahil ang tao ay kadalasang nagpapadala sa kasidhian ng damdamin! goodness: it has become an idol to most people. we do goodness, but we thought we could be saved by it alone. faith (we have this also, but most people have the dead one). meekness is napakahirap, dahil Sigmund Freud justified PRIDE as natural (EGO) in humans.

huling-huli talaga ang self-control. ang Lord naman diba, napakaraming trial ang pinapadala. bakit? para makuha mo ang lahat ng bunga ng Kanyang Espiritu. para maging totoo tayong mga anak Niya. dahil yung mga bunga na yan, yan ang ugali ng Diyos. at dahil tayo ay kaisa na Niya (read whole chapter 6 of Romans), dapat maging ka-ugali narin natin Siya. we become Christ-like. at ang grace na ito ay may power, dahil ito ay nagkabisa sa pamamagitan ng Dugo ni Hesus. at si Hesus (the Lover of my soul) ay ang Salita ng Diyos na nagkatawang-tao (John 1:14), at ang salita ng Diyos ay makapangyarihan (Hebrews 4:12)!

hay ginanahan na naman ako. kung tungkol kay Lord ang usapan, para bang hindi ako nauubusan ng sasabihin (salamat, Lord).

balik tayo sa wisdom :)
ayun nga. pag guided ka ng wisdom ng Lord, di ka magkakamali. di ka matatakot. kaya naman, steady lang ako. ipinaubaya ko na sa Lord ang pagsusulat ng love story ko. alam kong maganda ang kalalabasan nun.

i know that God has already restored me in this area.

"Be still, and know that I am God:" Psalm 46:10

One More Memory

last year...


Wonder


What a wonder, when everything in your life is being tested and taken away from you, and all that's left is a sincere love and pure joy, coming down from your Maker; Giving you comfort and a new meaning of life, that is found in Him alone.

What a wonder, when everything around you is broken, and yet you are still whole because of this one Love that broke Himself just for you. And you find peace -- a rare one, not found in anywhere else in this world.

What a wonder, when everything is unseen and disappearing, yet you are never alone, because Someone special is watching over you; And you never go lonely, and all you cry are tears of joy.

What a wonder, feeling safe in the midst of battle, because you know that the battle isn't yours, and it has been won for you even before it started.

What a wonder, looking at the sky, and the seas, and you see it just like you see His love: vast, deep, pure. Just like a child's heart. Simple and true, yet so unfathomable, until you look at the Cross.

Reminiscing

This was almost a year ago. :) I bring back all the glory to the One who saw me in every season of my life. I love you, Yahweh.



Dearest,

You have always held my hand. You were always watching me, as I learn to walk with You. Thank You for having me; thank You for making time for me. Thank you for taking me as I am: broken, lonely, hopeless. Thank You for taking me out of my comfort zone. Thank you for pushing me to my limits. Today, what I see in front of my mirror is totally different from what I have seen one year ago. So I thank You for seeing me through it all. You are my God, and You have become my Saviour, the Unfailing Lover of my soul. You have taught my heart things I could never learn in this world, and even if all those things fail and go, I know that Your Word will stay with me. I believe in Your promise, and I have come to love this God whom I first saw on the cross. I stand now, amazed; humbled and forever in awe of Your glory. And being here with You is all that matters to me now. I couldn't care less about what they say, for all I can see is You, and all I can hear is my own heart crying out to be with its Lover.

One thing have I desired of the Lord,
that will I seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord,
and to enquire in his temple.

Psalm 27:4 KJV

6 December 2009
Lord of the Nations Sunday Service
Pasay Sports Complex

wag muna daw, sabi Niya

Ilang beses na ba akong nagkamali? ilang beses na ba akong nagmadali? lahat ng desisyon kong walang kasamang prayer ay palpak. sakit, diba? parang sinipa ang pagkalaki-laki mong EGO.

sa tingin nyo ba, pagkatapos ng isang palpak, di ko na sinundan? haha. masasabi kong higit pa ako sa isang tipikal na mangingibig: nagkamali na ng isang beses, inulit pa. inulit-ulit pa...

tingin nyo ba, liability ko na ang pagiging hopeful? ang pagiging determined to get what i want? dati, hindi ko alam ang sagot. pero nung isang beses, nagdebate kami ni Lord. Anti-katangahan Siya. Pro naman ako.

ang Motion: pwede mong patanggapin ang boypren mong hindi Kristiyano, para maging 'legal' kayo.

syempre ang lola nyo, naghanda ng malupet na Split. maraming arguments. mas matindi ang rebuttals. akala nyo ba nanalo ako? alam kong alam ninyong hindi. he he he...

talo ka pag nakipag-debate ka sa Lord. hindi dahil sa Diyos Siya, at ikaw ay tao. hindi rin dahil sa tao ka lang at Siya ay Diyos.

when i debated with Him, i questioned His power. i questioned His goodness. i questioned His plans for me (which are, prosperous, harmless, full of hope in the future, Jer. 29:11). i questioned His Son's death and resurrection.

matigas kasi ang ulo ko noon. i look highly of myself back then. isa akong matalinong tao. ubod ng talino. yun ang nasa kukote ko noon. kaya i can make irrational things rational. i can validate fallacies. i can prove the nonexistent. i can be someone that is not really me. i can twist the truth.

to the point na i refused God's power to work in my life.

it was idiotic.

but when it was God's turn already, nasupalpal ako. sino nga ba ako para magtanong? hindi naman sa minamaliit ko naman ang sarili ko this time, pero ang point is, sino ako, ako na wala namang ginawang tama, ako na walang sinunod kundi sarili kong mga desisyon--- sino ako para magtanong kung bakit nagkakaganito ang buhay ko?

unti-unti, itinama Niya ang utak ko. ibinaba Niya ako, para matutunan kong tumingala sa Kanya, at humingi ng tulong. unti-unti, para akong malansang isdang kinaliskisan ng mga mapagmahal na mga Kamay.

tinuruan Niya akong mahalin Siya, for the sole reason na minahal Niya muna ako. kahit nung maruming marumi ako. kahit nung ang sama-sama ko. His love cleansed away all my impurities.

hindi pa ako perpekto ngayon (sa langit pa yon). sa ngayon, He is preparing me to get there, soon.

at pagdating naman sa hintayan, marunong na ako dyan! :D mabuti ang Lord, at nagtitiwala ako sa maganda Niyang plano. Ibibigay Niya ang para sakin, sa tama at perpektong panahon.

and that makes me love Him even more.

para ngang ayoko na mag-asawa eh... joke.


He has made everything beautiful in its time. - Ecclesiastes 3:11

Si Lord

di ko pa man naiisip, alam na Niya.

pag ako ay humingi, ibinibigay Niya.

pag hiniling kong dumalaw Siya, tutulo na ang luha ko.

ang Lord ko. may-akda ng pag-ibig. at ang pag-ibig Niya ay ako :)

araw-araw, walang palya ang pagkamangha ko sa Kanya.

naalala ko, dati, nagdadasal lang ako pag may kailangan ako sa Kanya (pera, pagkain, boypren, load). dati, umiiyak lang ako sa Kanya pag may kasalanan akong nagawa (nagbulakbol, gumasta, lumamon, nahibang).

ngayon, hindi naman ako perpekto. pero masasabi kong nag-improve ang pakikitungo ko sa Lord ko.

utang ko sa Kanya ang buhay ko.

ang bagong pag-asa.
ang magandang future.
mapagmahal na mga magulang.
isang bagong layunin sa buhay...

tama ang kaibigan kong si Lai, hindi kayang ipaliwanag ng isang tao ang intimacy niya sa Diyos.

mananatiling hiwaga.
unless ma-experience mo mismo.

iba kasi eh. pag ang relasyon mo sa Diyos, higit pa sa pagiging Diyos Niya. sabi pa nga, God will work on your life based on how you know Him. kung ang Diyos, ay sa tingin mo, nasa langit lang, nakatingin sayo, nag-uutos ng mga anghel para tabihan ka.. ganun lang Siya talaga.

sa buong buhay ko, my Lord has shown me His every facet. His every nature. and with my faith, He works on my life, according to my knowledge of Him.

how will you know God? read the Bible. pray. sing songs for Him. develop a desire to seek Him with all your heart.

at pag na-capture Niya ang attention mo, He's irresistable. just like your charming lolo. just like your bunsong kapatid. just like a lover (He is more than that!). just like a best friend. :)

si Lord. aking sumbungan. aking diary. aking Walang Hanggang Mangingibig. ang aking best friend. ang aking Provider (sahod, load, ulam sa gabi). Healer (esp sa heartbreak). Diyos. Maylikha sa akin.

korny man, wala akong pakialam. nakita ko na ang hangganan ng bahaghari, nang nakilala ko Siya.

Closures

Closures.

May problema ako dyan.

Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi sa kanya na tapos na kami? Siguro sa loob ng isang buwan, 2 beses?

Parang nung isang gabi lang (Aug 30th). It's been 4 years. Two years together, 2 years apart. Gustuhin ko mang bumalik, o gustuhin man nya, ano naman ang babalikan namin?

Masakit mang isipin na andito parin ako, haayyy. Basta. Oo, umiyak ako, may problema?

Dahil wala akong ma-post...!

Hello, ako si Shel. Theziel Mae Bonuel Gomez ang full name ko. Oh diba ang taray. Combination sya ng pangalan ng Tatay (Niel) at Nanay (Thez) ko. Oh kayo na mag-combine.

I was a research assistant here in our (malamang) company. Within a month, I became the Executive Assistant. Bakit? Siguro kasi dahil dun sa market research na ginawa ko. At, mahirap mang paniwalaan, dahil narin sa natawa ang boss ko (Presidente ng kumpanya) dahil sumasagot daw ako. I mean, lumalaban kumbaga, at hindi nahihiyang magsalita.

But above everything else, I was blessed with this position because of God's grace. His gracious provision lead me to this career. It's not because I prayed for it. It's not because I was passionately giving my tithes. It's all because God is faithful, and He keeps His Word for the sake of His glory.

(kapag sinipag na ko, ikukwento ko ang buhay ko sa sangkatauhan hehe)

Sa ngayon, I'm enjoying my single life (nagka-boypren na ko for 2 years pero kumalas ako pagkatapos ng 2 years na pakikipag-debate sa Lord na kaya ko syang maakay).

Hindi pa ko ready sa lablayp. Ayoko pa. Kahit pa magpatirapa ka sa harapan ko para magpapansin, AYOKO NA MUNA. Gusto ko muna mag-grow sa Lord, at magkaroon ng mas intimate pa na relasyon sa Kanya. Although may isang tao na 6 years ko nang crush (at parang higit pa don), wala namang pag-asa yon hahaha! Basta, alam ng friends ko kung bakit (kasi pare-pareho kami ng tadhana).

Ayan. Wala na akong makwento. Gustuhin ko mang ikwento ang recent troubles ng puso ko, tsaka na lang. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi malapit na ko umuwi ng bahay.

Pretense Worldwide

He held on to me
like he needed me
like he wanted to tell
this wondering soul
that it was loved
was never taken for granted.

He held on to me
as if it was not his plan
to let me go;
to take away
my lonely wish
to be with him forever.

He held on to me
and looked into my eyes
yet he did not see the truth
that I knew---
I always knew
that he lies.