Ligaya

How do we define JOY?

Most of the time, I sing, "I have found exceeding joy," but I never realized how (really) much this song means.

During my life without Christ, I have often searched for joy. I have submerged (and immersed, and drowned) myself with shiny things in this world (late-night friendships on sidewalks, alcohol, cigarette butts, too much kissing, etc etc etc etc etc), yet I failed to find joy. I tried experiencing it by belonging to someone, instead, I was left drained, exhausted... empty. My past has been a dreadful experience. I thought there was no way out.

I grew up in a Christian family, the Name El Shaddai has been a household Name. I have known God, Jesus: my Lola's Savior, as well as my father's, and my mother's. God has been with us through thick and thin, and I knew that He is good in our lives.

But personally, I grew up knowing God from a distance. Despite His goodness to my family, I never experienced Him. I go to church, sing His praises, but I never glorified Him in my younger years. I knew His power, I have read groundbreaking Christian books as early as 12 years old, but I never lived in His promise, for I do not know Whom I was serving (or did I really serve Him at that time?).

I was a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad lover, and a bad "Christian." My life was too horrible for me to tell in detail. But what is important is, God made everything work together for my good, because He loved me even before I was born. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)

One day, God decided it was time for me to obey (again). But this time, He made sure that there was no turning back for me...

God knew how many times I gave heed to His call, and how many times I have betrayed His love, because in my eyes, the world was too shiny and too attractive for me to let go. The devil came on to me, stole my future by ruining my present, killed my hope by condemning me everyday (so that I cannot think about God and repent), and destroyed my heart and soul, to the point that I have thought God would not take me again in His arms for the nth time (John 10:10). I have thought my life was too broken for me to still plan for tomorrow. I have lived each day anxious about my broken life, and scared to death about Jesus' second coming, for I knew that I will not be taken away with the clouds to meet up with Him in the air (1 Thessalonians 4:17 NIV).

I was so scared.

I was so empty.

I have consumed my energy on senseless things, things that I thought would give me joy.

When God finally decided to intervene once more, He was more determined. I knew, I was destined to worship Him in spirit and in truth (John 4:24 NIV). He never intended to let me go.

I repented.

"Lord, I am sorry for being so stubborn. I have known You since time immemorial (yes, I really said this), and still I have been crazy about worldly things. I have rejected Your Word, I have rejected Your Son. I have put You in shame. I have denied my faith. I have consciously chosen to get drunk with rebellion and lust (and beer). Yes, I have lusted on the false brilliance of this world. I wanted fame. I refused to sing for you. I repent. Be my God once more."

So I prayed.

With God's grace, I was restored. Like a pot of clay, He took me, mold me into someone He would be pleased with. He started to use me for His glory. He broke me, and shed dirty pieces of me. Layer after layer, He transformed me, and renewed my mind (Romans 12:2 NIV). And then He healed me. He did not just mend my wounds, He created a new me.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV

Indeed, He has created me anew. Nobody could ever do that to me, not even myself. His lovingkindness has changed my life; His Blood cleansed away all my impurities (1 John 1:7 NIV).

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 NIV

Today, it's still amazing for me to think of how God has changed me, and has chosen me to belong to Him. Despite my grave sins (which destroyed my own life), He still chose to love me. Even though He knew that I would sin and sin some more, He still chose to walk and carry the cross to die for me. He was my complete definition of love (John 15:13 NIV), and He completed me.

Now I don't have to waste time on things that do not really matter. I have found the Answer to my searching. The One who satisfied my desire. And our intimacy just gets sweeter, every single day.

"I have found exceeding joy;
Jesus answered when I call---
His name that has saved me,
True Love that embraced me...

...though I have not seen Him,
I love Him completely."

Salvation came.

Truth came.

Freedom came...



...and then there was JOY.